all my life ive waited to see you again
and all my life i looked into the sky to react.
Gave you everything that I ever was -
when I found that wasnt enough,
I tried to find what you needed.
inside of me,
I found a stranger within,
a stranger that knows me too well,
inside of me,
I found my own hell,
that I will try to erase (for the rest of my life)
Music plays again and again -
notes I think I heard once before.
Sounds like a memory playing itself out...for the last time before us.
Inside of me,
I wonder if Ill return,
or is this the man I will be for the rest of my days.
a stranger to me,
a stranger to you,
Lets just sit and pretend it will all come to change.
Inside of me, I found my own hell,
one I knew I created, a hell I can stand, I know its only me,
as I fall even further again.
waited for you to react - to know if love was forever.
inside of me I can say it all again,
know this was for you -
I would write my life again and sing a new song,
if that could mean - I would know you again.
(I just want to know you again - see inside you once more, and know the colors that you paint
with, to know you again.)
Inside of me, was this all to pretend,
that I could ever know hapiness again?
Ill never forget - the world I once knew,
how could I forget, you wrote it on my soul.
-
2:08 AM 12/23/2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Choices that ive made
I think you know why I can never return.
return to a place I know won't ever let me in,
all thats in between - all that I won't ever forget.
Choices ive made, those that I live to regret forever,
I know days go by,
some that wont be erased by time,
no time can take away moments that stay forever.
Taken looks,
took more then one I admit.
As days go by, I think I may grow to be better, better then I was.
I won't forget,
perhaps that may be my problem, where it resides.
forever and nothing more.
I think I know-who I am and why that won't ever change.
the man I became - placed itself in my own blood, and the life of another.
I think I know why my world seems to be falling,
falling apart.
- Mr. E
return to a place I know won't ever let me in,
all thats in between - all that I won't ever forget.
Choices ive made, those that I live to regret forever,
I know days go by,
some that wont be erased by time,
no time can take away moments that stay forever.
Taken looks,
took more then one I admit.
As days go by, I think I may grow to be better, better then I was.
I won't forget,
perhaps that may be my problem, where it resides.
forever and nothing more.
I think I know-who I am and why that won't ever change.
the man I became - placed itself in my own blood, and the life of another.
I think I know why my world seems to be falling,
falling apart.
- Mr. E
Speak of suicide.
Speak of Suicide.
Years ago, many years ago I had read that if someone speaks about suicide that they are not truly going to do it. Thinking about that, I wonder if it is so?
If I speak about taking my life, does that mean I won't?
I don't agree with it.
I have dealt with my own trials in life.
Most recently especially.
After having come back from war - I feel as if my life has taken a cycle, has turned into something different. This is something I don't tell anyone, I keep it to myself, no one knows.
There do come times when you can't get images out of your head,
when all you see are the images of people dieing,
of death,
of a life that you question,
of actions that you know you never should have taken,
of a world you still don't understand.
I have thought of taking my life, ive thought about it so many times.
Now I speak of it, does that take away from it's meaning?
I don't know if war made me who I am. Or if I made war what it is...
All I can tell you is that the man that I am now, is a man I think I have become - -
- mr. E
Years ago, many years ago I had read that if someone speaks about suicide that they are not truly going to do it. Thinking about that, I wonder if it is so?
If I speak about taking my life, does that mean I won't?
I don't agree with it.
I have dealt with my own trials in life.
Most recently especially.
After having come back from war - I feel as if my life has taken a cycle, has turned into something different. This is something I don't tell anyone, I keep it to myself, no one knows.
There do come times when you can't get images out of your head,
when all you see are the images of people dieing,
of death,
of a life that you question,
of actions that you know you never should have taken,
of a world you still don't understand.
I have thought of taking my life, ive thought about it so many times.
Now I speak of it, does that take away from it's meaning?
I don't know if war made me who I am. Or if I made war what it is...
All I can tell you is that the man that I am now, is a man I think I have become - -
- mr. E
Monday, December 3, 2007
Heaven / favorite poem of mine.
Heaven lost its color today.
Love washed away in a rain from the sky above.
Sent down when the words I spoke, were no longer good enough.
Blue paint washed down my arms,
as love failed today, and all the casualties are a mystery,
as it all begins to drift away.
Each time I turn my head theres another falling star,
a forgotten love that never will be known.
In my dreams, all the colors have washed away, in a river
alongside where im standing.
I told you about this - Do you remember we stood together,
watching waters pass by,
now it seperates us becoming deeper everyday.
Cant reach across any longer,
the rivers broken you free,
Though I know if I look inside and see a world separating,
washing away on a cloudless canvas, I know I cant hold on anymore,
cant hold on forever.
Those pictures of us together always pull me in,
drowning in a picture,
all thats holding us together. Lost my sight when I feel,
now your nowhere around.
Even in this water I still hear your name.
Heaven lost its color today,
my soul is black and white,
no more dreams that i know of,
all that i see remains -
even in my thoughts theres no life,
its all gone away, you took my world away as heaven
lost its meaning.
( May 13 01/July 3rd 01/Feb 25 05)
Love washed away in a rain from the sky above.
Sent down when the words I spoke, were no longer good enough.
Blue paint washed down my arms,
as love failed today, and all the casualties are a mystery,
as it all begins to drift away.
Each time I turn my head theres another falling star,
a forgotten love that never will be known.
In my dreams, all the colors have washed away, in a river
alongside where im standing.
I told you about this - Do you remember we stood together,
watching waters pass by,
now it seperates us becoming deeper everyday.
Cant reach across any longer,
the rivers broken you free,
Though I know if I look inside and see a world separating,
washing away on a cloudless canvas, I know I cant hold on anymore,
cant hold on forever.
Those pictures of us together always pull me in,
drowning in a picture,
all thats holding us together. Lost my sight when I feel,
now your nowhere around.
Even in this water I still hear your name.
Heaven lost its color today,
my soul is black and white,
no more dreams that i know of,
all that i see remains -
even in my thoughts theres no life,
its all gone away, you took my world away as heaven
lost its meaning.
( May 13 01/July 3rd 01/Feb 25 05)
Another look
Look into your own eyes staring back at you-
look into yourself when you feel stripped of everything that doesnt matter anymore.
If you were to open yourself to me -
would you find you don't enjoy it anymore?
I hear the words you speak when you speak them to me.
I know of what you dream every night as you lay silently in a moment you only halfway understand.
You know i think of you all the time - and that scares you (I know it does)
Won't put myself on anymore, for you to burn with a statement.
Dreams won't be of you anymore, my mind is something that I own.
Though when will the time come, answer these questions I have in my
heart patiently for you.
And this dream, is it dream? or a world I want to know.
Have I been here before? Do I want to try it again?
Don't let me fall from you, or yourself fall from me.
Know in my arms I could, but I don't want to hold you down.
picture picking you up as once did for me.
Want to speak your name and know you'll turn around,
to face me, to know me.
I hear the words you speak when you speak them to me.
I know of what you dream every night as you lay silently in a
moment you only halfway understand.
Faces i remember from a solemn dream -
I think I know the words to feel , to describe,
this is something from a place I cant understand.
know im here, know im awake,
knowing im here; does that scare you,
for you anytime you need me to be.
goodbye for the moment -- this is merely the end for this time
(of a dream from 2001 and 2005)
look into yourself when you feel stripped of everything that doesnt matter anymore.
If you were to open yourself to me -
would you find you don't enjoy it anymore?
I hear the words you speak when you speak them to me.
I know of what you dream every night as you lay silently in a moment you only halfway understand.
You know i think of you all the time - and that scares you (I know it does)
Won't put myself on anymore, for you to burn with a statement.
Dreams won't be of you anymore, my mind is something that I own.
Though when will the time come, answer these questions I have in my
heart patiently for you.
And this dream, is it dream? or a world I want to know.
Have I been here before? Do I want to try it again?
Don't let me fall from you, or yourself fall from me.
Know in my arms I could, but I don't want to hold you down.
picture picking you up as once did for me.
Want to speak your name and know you'll turn around,
to face me, to know me.
I hear the words you speak when you speak them to me.
I know of what you dream every night as you lay silently in a
moment you only halfway understand.
Faces i remember from a solemn dream -
I think I know the words to feel , to describe,
this is something from a place I cant understand.
know im here, know im awake,
knowing im here; does that scare you,
for you anytime you need me to be.
goodbye for the moment -- this is merely the end for this time
(of a dream from 2001 and 2005)
Dress older poetry
here is an old piece of mine entitled "dress"
You wear that dress like its your soul.
Tattered and torn as everything else in your life.
that shell to protect you -
and each day you choose to find another.
In the end you find as much as you try you cant run from yourself.
Its only human. A disease that eats away.
Change your soul as much as you want to.
but all it takes is a moment to find whats missing.
what was thrown down, is it me, or was it your fantasies.
oh no, in the end, what was it you threw down,
that blue dress you always wear?
I'm tired of the way it looks,
and how you act when where it,
each time its worn - you let it change your world.
Everyday can bring a new dress if its what you wish.
though its never going to change everything inside,
cant you realize - don't you understand .
Choose to forget me today, id rather fade away.
if thats what you want.
struggling in the deep - to make sense of what life is about.
today, you chose that red dress thinking its different from
yesterday, its just a color, not a passion, no real difference at all.
but in your shame after your friends looked the way no one
understands.
Your feeling alone.
I know this - ive been there times before.
In your red dress where times seems to go back and forth.
no one else wears it,
because of its beauty, not mass appealing qualities.
this dress is your identity.
one true non judgmental hold on life.
though your not used to it.
still intrigued,
curious to what it has to offer, for the time being,
focus on today.
in a short span of time you might realize all the questions you
have, you always knew the answers.
more then a dream, more then a romantic quality.
those friends look- your world stares.
as it gotten to you.
about to throw your dress down,
tired of what its brought.
wont forget how it made you feel,
how you felt with it around.
even being so new it always felt so right.
see the beauty,
you knew it was there in hiding.
but you'll have no part any longer.
You wear that dress like its your soul.
Tattered and torn as everything else in your life.
that shell to protect you -
and each day you choose to find another.
In the end you find as much as you try you cant run from yourself.
Its only human. A disease that eats away.
Change your soul as much as you want to.
but all it takes is a moment to find whats missing.
what was thrown down, is it me, or was it your fantasies.
oh no, in the end, what was it you threw down,
that blue dress you always wear?
I'm tired of the way it looks,
and how you act when where it,
each time its worn - you let it change your world.
Everyday can bring a new dress if its what you wish.
though its never going to change everything inside,
cant you realize - don't you understand .
Choose to forget me today, id rather fade away.
if thats what you want.
struggling in the deep - to make sense of what life is about.
today, you chose that red dress thinking its different from
yesterday, its just a color, not a passion, no real difference at all.
but in your shame after your friends looked the way no one
understands.
Your feeling alone.
I know this - ive been there times before.
In your red dress where times seems to go back and forth.
no one else wears it,
because of its beauty, not mass appealing qualities.
this dress is your identity.
one true non judgmental hold on life.
though your not used to it.
still intrigued,
curious to what it has to offer, for the time being,
focus on today.
in a short span of time you might realize all the questions you
have, you always knew the answers.
more then a dream, more then a romantic quality.
those friends look- your world stares.
as it gotten to you.
about to throw your dress down,
tired of what its brought.
wont forget how it made you feel,
how you felt with it around.
even being so new it always felt so right.
see the beauty,
you knew it was there in hiding.
but you'll have no part any longer.
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